Understanding that Self Care Isn't Selfish

How can you show up to be supportive, loving and genuinely a happy person when you are run down, exhausted and burnt out? I'll tell you... you can't!

Brandon just underwent knee surgery and to say it has been easy would be a lie. As we live together I am his main support. Don't get me wrong, both our parents have been showing up with open arms, meals and more! They have helped in an enormous way. But, I also have a full-time job and other commitments and deadlines. I guess I underestimated the extent of his surgery. For the first week, he could not walk, get up, or basically move without physical support of someone. He was so uncomfortable and in so much pain it was just hard to watch. I would lay beside him trying to make him relaxed and comfortable all well knowing that it was an impossible task. If he wasn't sleeping, I wasn't sleeping. If he was in pain I was in pain. I felt horrible just going out to do simple things like getting groceries, but things had to be done.

It came time to decide whether or not I would go to a staycation at Hotel X Toronto last weekend and I felt rotten. I really wanted to go but did not want to leave him. Then I realized, I needed it to stay sane! I was so exhausted, so burnt out and just anxious. So I went. Having this time away made me realize that you cannot be there for someone else if you are not there for yourself. If it seems selfish, I know. But it's not. How can you possibly show up for someone and be there ultimate caregiver when you cannot satisfy your own basic needs like rest and mental clarity?

So how do you do it? Here are a few of my realizations when it comes to putting yourself first and realizing that self-care isn't selfish: 

1. Just say no. 
Sometimes you may have commitments and you just have to cancel. It's okay to cancel if you are not up to it because in the long run you will be better off. Would you rather go somewhere and be miserable just because you said you'd go? No. Why put yourself through that and subject others to your misery. I had to cancel on some personal things but that's okay because it ultimately I knew I just couldn't be myself in those situations... there was too much on my mind.

2. Acknowledge that you cannot care for someone if you are physically ill. 
I was feeling ill. My stomach was nauseous from not sleeping and to say I needed a good shower was an understatement. Getting up every hour in the night was taking a toll on my body. I was exhausted all the time, relying on coffee to wake me up and not getting enough movement. I knew I had to set aside time to rest and then get my body moving just to find some mental clarity. In doing so, I was able to be there for B more fully, since I was sharp and more alert.


3. Energy transfers is a real thing. 
The flow of energy is strong. Your tension and inner anxiety can so easily be projected on others. Misery loves company, right? If you are miserable chances are you will make those around you miserable. Just like when you are happy it is easier to make others happy. When you need to ground yourself and get back into your grove, say by meditating, or by taking a long bath, do it. It will ultimately better your mood and the mood of those around you.


4. Realize you cannot do everything and that is enough. 
A good friend had to sit me down and tell me straight up: there will be dishes in the sink, there will be a pile of laundry and your house may need a good vacuum, but your impending house chores is not a reflection of your capabilities and worth. WOW. Did that just blow your mind? I keep telling her she needs to start a podcast (lol). But honestly, this was so good to hear. Instantly my shoulders relaxed and I felt like I could take a deep breath in for the first time. It's okay if things are not perfect. You are doing everything you can, and just that is enough.


So what did I do? I went. I went to the hotel while B was at home. Thank goodness we have an amazing support system that stayed with him the whole time, which ultimately made me feel better. But I still went out and enjoyed the 12 hours away. Eleni and I shared a room, we popped bubbly, learned all about the new Bio-Oil Dry Gel (more on that to come) and we had a great girly night in.  And naturally, we had to get a photo shoot in before breakfast. I mean... what else would we do!

So there we have it... I went and had fun. Is that so wrong? I came home more relaxed and even more ready and willing to care for B because I had that time to care for myself.

Do you have a hard time accepting that self-care is the first step in caring for others? Let me know!

P I N  ME:

How to Deal With Setbacks

As I sit here writing this, I am couch ridden. Long story short I had an accident at our new house. Regardless of how it happened, I am here now with a boatload of stitches in my left foot and just dealing with it. When it first happened my only thoughts were "you are a fricken idiot", and "how could you let this happen".  After the hospital I went home and felt just miserable, I felt so sorry for myself and just could not let the feelings pass. After a night of feeling like this, I woke up and decided I needed to change my outlook. I needed to change my perspective on the whole issue. I knew I would not wake up 100% and I needed to be okay with that.

For a person that cannot sit still, needs to be doing something and likes to be independent, this was hard to come to terms with. I mean, I can't even walk to the washroom... B is having to literally carry me over there. But instead of focusing on what I cannot do, I need to focus on what I can do. I may not be able to walk but I can think. And I can think myself out of this one. 

If you are struggling with setbacks, mentally or physically I know how challenging and debilitating it can seem. We don't have control over the things we once did and it makes us feel horrible. In hopes to stay sain, I'm making a list of the ways I can deal and cope with this setback. Because it is just a setback, it is not permanent and it will pass. 

1. Let it go

Once you've had your episode of disbelief (because this is definitely going to happen), or anger, let it go. Don't get me wrong it is important to allow yourself time to grieve, but you cannot fixate on the grief. It doesn't really matter how it came about, or what happened, it did and now it's time to face it as truth. Do not focus on the problem, the issue or the negative aspect of the occurrence because that will only keep you in the realm of the problem. Focus on the solution. You can only feel so sorry for yourself before it's time to turn around and say "I will not let this define me", "I will surpass this". 

I had my night of misery, aka me crying on the couch, feeling ashamed and just sad. When I woke up the next morning I knew I still would not be able to put pressure on my foot or walk just yet, but that didn't stop me from changing my outlook. I slid out of bed to the floor, grabbed a pillow, sat on it and  literally pushed my way across the floor to the bathtub. I then got in, washed off the icky hospital juju, and slathered some lavender shampoo in my hair. Just the mere thought of me doing something by myself, for myself, was liberating. Once I let go of the problem (not being able to walk) and fixated on the solution I welcomed positivity into my mind and came up with a brilliant way (if I do say so myself) to get across the room. 

2. Be grateful

I could sit here and write down all the things that did happen, but what about all the things that did not happen. Guys, the accident could have been a lot worse! But I listed off in my head what I was grateful for. 

*I was not alone. I could not even imagine if Brandon was not there to act so quickly and get me to the hospital when the bone was literally popping out of the top of my food, and the blood was pouring out of me.  I am so grateful for him and everything he did following.

*Again, it could have been so much worse. I could be in a cast... or worse.

*It's the long weekend and I really don't have anything crucial that needs to get done. Sure, I had plans for the weekend that I had to cancel, but there's always next weekend (aka my birthday weekend, and there's another-- it could have happened on my birthday weekend!).

*My mom's support-- making dinner, bringing me ice cream, taking my laundry... she is god send! 

Point is, I could go on forever with all the things that I can do and have at my fingertips. Again, focus on the positivity and positivity will come. What also helped me was writing this down in my journal. 

3. Allow yourself to rest

I want to always be doing. It's true, I have a hard time slowing down.  But taking the time to rest is essential for recovery. I can't even tell you the last time I sat down to watch TV, but here I am on episode 4 of Good Girls... I'm giving myself the permission to do nothing and it (sort of) feels nice! I am realizing you can't rush recovery. You're life, routine and everything else that comes along with it will be there when you heal. If it's not, it's not worth it. It's so important to listen to your body as it tells you what it really needs, not your mind. You do not want to rush and give yourself a false sense of healing when it can cause more damage to begin in. 

How am I resting?

I am doing it all. Magazines, manicures, books, podcasts, journalling, writing, blogging, drinking fancy tea, drinking fancy water, you name it. Also, I'm wearing lipstick, enjoying a cup of coffee and sitting in a summer dress because these are things that give me pleasure. Give in to the things that give you pleasure. It's okay. 

Now I will likely be on the couch for a bit longer, so I'd love to hear how you cope with setbacks, hurdles, or speed humps. And remember you just need to be yourself, you don't need to prove anything to yourself. Focus on the solution, not the problem and positivity will come.  

How To Let it Out

We've all been there. Sitting with a nervous, anxious feeling in your gut. Uncertain, worried, or even scared. So what do we do with these feelings? Bottling them up most definitely isn't productive because they always seem to come back with a vengeance. They seep into other aspects of your life and before you know it you have no control over where the anger, resentment or confusion is coming from and you lash out. Am I totally alone in this? I can't be... Getting dark? I promise there's a silver lining!

Sometimes these feelings get really strong and we need an outlet. A way to relieve the feelings in a safe way that is sure to not blow up in our faces. But how? I'm sure we all have our vices or ways to relieve the stress, but there are a few that I find particularly helpful. These are 4 to be exact. If one doesn't work out I just move on to the next and hope for the best. I wanted to share them in the case that you may need to call on them someday. Most importantly we need to remember that it's okay to have these moments. They are not moments of weakness. They are making us stronger with each passing moment. We can get through them and we will. What works for you? Are you hoarding any tiny miracle workers? I want to know!

1. Talk it out. You may find ease in speaking to others about what's going on, especially if it's concerning or involving them in any way. Even if it doesn't concern them at all just chatting it out with someone can help loads. It can help you feel at ease and find an alternate perspective. It can also get you away from your ruminating thoughts. You know the ones... They spiral and lead you down a miserable hole of darkness! Gotta get out of it! Surround yourself with positive people and the positivity will spread! Sometimes I find opening up to people I normally wouldn't to be extremely helpful. People are a lot kinder than you may think, sometimes we need to have more faith in trusting others.



2. Talk to yourself. Did talking it out with someone work for you? If you couldn't do it or found it too difficult you can always talk to yourself. You guys know how therapeutic I find journalling. You can rant and rant and no one needs to hear your thoughts. It is just for you. Be as vulnerable, raw and real as you can. Let your inner feelings out and give them a space to stay, that is separate from you. It may feel weird at first but it gets so much easier. I recently started journaling every morning and found it to be healing and self-soothing. You don't need to do it every day, just keep this tool in your box for whenever you need to get something out.

3. Take a moment.  Think about why you are feeling this way and what may have caused these feelings. There is usually an underlying issue you may be avoiding dealing with. But really take a moment and find out where you feel it in your body. Is it in your throat? Does it feel like it's closing? Is it in your heart? Does it feel like it's sinking? Try and breath through the feeling and talk to it. Recognize that it's there and sooth it.  Talk it out and tell the feeling you are safe, you are okay, and you will get through it. Talking to the feelings can be calming, soothing and can actually help in the moment!

4. Tap into your creativity. What do you love to do? Is it blogging, painting, drawing, colouring, ax throwing? Find it and do it, even if it is ridiculous. Even if you don't know what it could be, try out as many things as you can until one works. Try tapping into your emotions while doing these things. Colouring and painting are all calming and therapeutic! Sometimes I find I can get lost in different crafts and activities and the anxious feelings calm down and lessen in strength.

Learning to identify and express emotions can be so hard. But you will definitely feel a stronger sense of self if you can manage to get a little bit of it out and understand what's causing the reaction. You do not want to hide or cover up the emotions, even if they are negative. They always seem to show themselves at some point in a way we don't necessarily want.

Now it's your turn to share... give me the goods!

S H O P  T H E  P O S T :

How To Feel More Comfortable In Your Own Skin

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

I love this quote. Loving yourself and your beauty is not as easy as it may seem. We all have those cringe moments... you know the ones. But what if we always felt great in our skin? What if we accepted ourselves for everything we are? How positive and infectious would that be? To constantly walk around feeling so proud and in love with yourself. This kind of self-love has the power to move mountains. And that's the self-love I want to exude. To feel that acceptance we must learn how to get as comfortable as possible as we can in our own skin. Your body is yours and only yours. It does extremely amazing things for you-- it takes you all over the world, it works endlessly for you, and it allows you to move to your own beat and live to your fullest potential. We must thank it for all that it does! The way to show it gratitude is to honour it, accept it and see it under this positive light.


Feeling more comfortable in our own skin is not something that is automatic and that happens overnight. Society has shaped us to develop these insecurities which alter our level of comfort. But, want to know a secret? We can get it back! It's yours for the taking. There are a few ways you can start working on growing this acceptance today, and it's something that you must do. Because, after all, your self-acceptance is the only acceptance that truly matters. I'm not preaching that I love my body day in and day out, but I want to. And I'll work on it for as long as I have to because my body deserves that. For all that it does for me.

Have a read through my little list and see which ones resonate with you the most and try it out. Become aware of these judgments so that you can alter your perspective. It really works!

1. Stop worrying about things not affecting you.

This can be a variety of things, and not just related to the body. It can be your friend's size, their job, their income, etc. Focus on things that do matter like family, your hobbies, and interests. Comparing is a form of judgment and once you let go of these comparisons and catch yourself making them you can turn this negative thinking around and focus on what you do have and love.

2. Don't seek validation.

Once you start doing things for the validation of others it loses the authenticity of the act. You don't need anyone else's acceptance or appreciation. Doing things for yourself and not for the reward is a great way to get comfortable with yourself. It will show you your capabilities and prove just how mighty and strong you are.

3. Release what does not serve you.

This relates to many aspects of your life. Distance yourself from negative people and their negativity will rub off on you. Stop following accounts that make you feel shameful or give you negative emotions and low self-esteem. IHaving this reminder of things you cannot do, own or have will drastically affect your mood and will push you away from loving yourself. Instead, it will make you jealous and judgy. Bask in the positivity of others so that the positivity will become second nature to you.

4. Fake it till you make it.

So you're having a bad day and all you see is gross. I've been there, too. But instead, you need to pull yourself up in these moments. ESPECIALLY these moments. They are the ones that will make you stronger.  I do not mean fake who you are here. I just mean push those positive thoughts into your head, even when it's hard. The best way I know to do this? Affirmations. You look in the mirror and smile. Smile until you feel so silly smiling at yourself. Tell yourself you are a babe and do a hair flip. Practicing self-love and positive self-talk has amazing powers. Over time it will work and you it will not be so hard to say anymore.

5. Wear things that make you feel comfortable and beautiful.

What makes you feel the best? A sexy lace bralette? Sweats and a knit? Whatever it may wear it, and love it. Avoid wearing something that doesn't work for you just because it's trendy and wearing things that you don't feel yourself in. One of my favourite outfits to lounge about in is a lacy bra and high waisted bottoms. I know... how bougie of me! I'm loving this WonderBra Wear It Your Way bra right now because it makes me feel comfortable in my skin. It's feminine, practical and classy. Want to know the best part (aside from the colour being called "Paris Nude")? It can be worn eight ways! I didn't even know that was possible. Seriously any kind of shirt. I love it. Plus it's totally smooth under clothes and there is no painful wire.  WonderBra just gets comfort, innovation, and elegance. I'm on my path to more self-love and I'm taking them with me!

What about you? What makes you feel comfortable in your own skin? I'd love to hear how you practice acceptance.

*WonderBra Spring collection is available at The Hudson's Bay. Thank you to WonderBra for sponsoring this post. All opinions are my own.